(re)model behavior

So in the last week and 1/2 we have all but made it official that we will be moving back to Dodge City this summer. With moving comes a new house.....and new house means....REMODEL! I love, love, love to remodel houses. I am not talking just painting and new carpet. I like to knock down walls and build new ones to reconfigure the whole look and feel and flow of the place. If all goes as planned, we will be moving into my dad's house. It is more space than we have now, but it definitely needs some TLC to go from a house for a 50-year-old bachelor for a home for our family.

Now this house is no stranger to my remodeling handy work. First came the basement. Shortly after we had Rileigh, my dad let us move into the basement of his house. It was completely 70-ed out. Orange shag carpet on some walls, wood paneling on others. It was less than pleasant. At that time I was really into watching Trading Spaces.....which lead me to a brilliant plan. I talked my dad into letting me remodel the basement AND talked him into not looking at it or know what was going on until "reveal day." Justin and his dad did all of the work and made a wonderful transformation. My dad was bowled over with the reveal. I suppose that is what lead him to allow me to remodel his upstairs as well.....

Even though the upstairs remodel was only a few years ago, most of the changes I made were only cosmetic. You know, taking down wallpaper, new paint, new flooring....your basic updates. My plans for after we take over this summer are.....well....bigger! I have spent the last few weeks looking up "inspiration rooms" and drawing new layouts. Justin always just rolls his eyes at my latest creations, but I know he will come around (he has to! he will be doing the work!)

Some minor ideas:

Right now I am OBSESSED with wallpaper, which is weird...because I spent HOURS ridding our current house of it. However, wallpaper has made some major advances recently and has expanded far beyond boring flowers and stripes. My current favorite:

There is a room in the basement of my dads house that I painted barn red. I would love to incorporate this wallpaper into part of that room. It will be an office/guest room. (I love that I will need an office now that I am almost a grown up with a real grown up job)

I am planning to knock down some walls around the upstairs kitchen and living room. There is a big living room/dining room space already, but I would like to open the space up to the kitchen.....and expand the kitchen a bit. Today I was looking through the pottery barn website and found and inspiration living room layout:

There is a fireplace at the same place as this in the current living room, though it is all brick. So I quickly started to research resurfacing fireplaces. Although I don't think I will go with the stone that is like this inspiration room...I do think I will add the wood surround + mantle and perhaps do a paint treatment to the bricks.

My only other solid obsession is creating some banquet seating as part of the breakfast nook. I am imagining it in a space where I have a 1/2 wall, sort of like these two:

Thinking about all of this makes me wanna just HURRY UP and get started. Best part about this remodel...my sister-in-law has an even better eye than I do + she is SUPER handy and she loves doing it, so I will have her help for all of it.

One last bit of beautiful-ness. Not sure where it would go, but i LOVE this (lighting and all):

Say what?

Last night I had the honor of being a student speaker at the Wash U Scholars in Law Banquet. While I was incredibly honored to be asked, I was extremely nervous. Seriously, the law school Sarah is a complete chicken. Despite my "chicken-ness" I agreed and am so glad that I did. It was an incredible chance to get into the spirit of the season. I have so much to be thankful for, the receipt of my scholarship being one of my many blessings.

Here is what I had to say:

Thank you all for being here tonight. I have admit, I am normally not a front row girl. In fact, I have spent the last few years banishing bright colors from my wardrobe attempting to remain discrete as to not hear “Miss Heek….Heekey…..Hake….” and then have to speak in front of a big group of people. But for tonight, I have freed the orange. (for the record, I was wearing an orange scarf) Oh, and for the record, its Heeke.

My path to law school was not the one I imagined for myself. In fact, if you had asked the me 10-years ago to write out a life plan, the course I have taken would not have even been on my radar. I dreamed of something exciting and glamorous. But after high school, instead of instead picking out items to decorate a dorm room, I was buying items to decorate a nursery. At 18, I was a mom.

Suddenly my dreams had changed and my focus became on how to best meet the needs of my new family. For my husband and I, plans moved from deciding where we wanted to be in 10 years to how to just get through the day we were in. But each day got easier. And each day, dreams got bigger. And before I knew it I was in a whirlwind of LSAT scores, acceptances and scholarship offers. Beyond simply my school needs, there were so many factors to consider. What environment would be the most conducive to our growing family? Where would our daughter start kindergarten? Where would my husband be able to find a job? Could we afford the housing? Then came the offer that made our decision clear. It was the scholarship that said, “We believe in you.” And what’s more, we will continue to believe in you for the next three years, no strings attached. What it said to me was that Washington University school of law and its alumni understood the reality that life, and more specifically, law school doesn’t occur in a vacuum and that numbers, while important, aren’t the only measure of success. The spirit and the character that that offer encompassed made what I thought was to be a tough decision, incredibly clear. We packed up our family and we moved to St Louis. And although the journey to here has been far from glamorous, the possibilities that lay before me now are beyond what I might have once imagined.

I have no magic formula and I don’t wear a cape. The key to doing it all is knowing that I am never doing it alone. In large ways and smalls, directly and indirectly, everyone make an impact. From providing me with a room here so I could bring my newborn to school during first year finals, to all of you, who have selflessly donated money towards guaranteed scholarships that for me have added some much needed stability to my organized chaos. When I graduate this May, I know that I certainly will not have done it alone. I am just wondering how they will get the names of those who have gotten me here to fit on my diploma. And although like many of my classmate, I don’t know where or what I will be doing after graduation, we look forward to the day when we are able to take what we have learned from your great gifts and pay it forward. So thank you.

A thank you from me just would not suffice because the reach of your generosity extends far beyond that. St Louis thanks you for enticing bright minds and diverse people to call St Louis home, whether it is just for 3 years or forever. Washington University thanks you for allowing them to go from "streetcar college," it once called itself to rivaling Ivy League institutions, attracting outstanding students and nationally recognized faculty. My classmates thank you for supporting them and enstilling in them the concept of selflessness. My two beautiful girls thank you for allowing my husband and I to direct our efforts at saving money to pay for their college instead of worrying about if we will ever be able to pay off mine. And I thank you—for believing in me. For helping me. For making my dreams my everyday life.

Despite the drama surrounding the day prior to speech, I am so glad that I was able to stand up and give my honest reflection on one of the many ways I have been blessed. After I had finished speaking, I was approached by one of the donors, who with tears in his eyes (I swear!), told me that I had touched him deeply with what I had to say and that it made him want to reach into his pocket and give even more.

Mission accomplished?

Oh, times they are a'changing

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

So perhaps Robert Frost had something slightly more monumental than my particular circumstance in mind when writing this, but I think it befitting, so I am going to roll with it. For the last year or so, my husband and I have slowly been building a life in Denver--first in our heads, then by applying for jobs and making specific contacts and researching schools and housing online. The next task to check off the list in our master plan would be to actually move there after graduation and start the life that we have been laying the foundation for for the last 7 years. Happily Ever After right?

Well every story needs a protagonist. And at this point, ours has more than a few. The biggest, scariest monster is the recession. It's secret weapon is its amazing ability to prevent me from finding a job. One of the draws of signing on the dotted line to pay $40k a year (yes, per year) to go to Wash U was the prestige and the promise of the benefits a Wash U degree would bring in the job search. Joke is on me. Thus far I have been rejected by every firm I have applied to. Ouch. Talk about some major hits to the self esteem. I do still have an iron in the fire. I have talked to a large family law firm with a small branch in Denver. I have actually emailed a few times and talked to someone on the phone...which is further than I have gotten on any of my job leads.

Enter the next protagonist--my dad. So I was complaining about the job search to my dad....to which he responded, "Well, you know you could always practice with me." And of course I brushed him off. This was not and had not ever even been on my radar. And then he added that he would soon be moving out of his house...and it would be a good place for us to live. And so the seed was planted. The idea of the SWK has suddenly gone from completely off the radar....to...well....on it.

The last few days I have been going through all the pros and cons that this could bring

Pros:

1. FAMILY! this is one huge pro. Both sides of our family live in the southwest Kansas area. Being away from any form of family has been one of the biggest drawbacks to living in St Louis and a huge component on why we don't plan to stay here.

2. Financial Independence. Making ends meet has always been a struggle. In fact, in the 7 years we have been a family, we have never been able to cut it completely on our own. I cannot tell you what a sense of relief I get when I think about the possibility of not zeroing out each month. And not just not zeroing out--but being able to start SAVING! The decreased cost of living is also a huge draw.

3. Practicing with my dad (and just having a JOB in general). Okay, I may be biased, but I think my dad is a fantastic attorney. He has a great amount of professional and community respect. Some of that would be bound to rub off on me right? Besides, stepping out into the professional world is scary. Having my dad as a mentor through that transition would be incredible.

4. Rileigh would be excited about moving there. We haven't told her this is a possibility simply because Justin and I aren't sure enough that it is a possibility and I know she would get her hopes up. She has Gavin and Olivia (her cousins) and a slew of other friends she plays with when we visit. Besides that, she would be able to attend the school my mother teaches at, which is a HUGE positive. We really love her school here and know that Miller would push and challenge her just as much as Kennerly. Besides that she would have so much more freedom. Right now it is completely out of the question to let her walk to a friends or ride her bike around the neighborhood. Its just not safe. But it would change dramatically there.

5. Being able to be home at 5 every night. I would be more in control of my schedule and could make it flexible to work around the needs of my family. I could eat lunch at Rileigh's school and help with the class parties. And when it is time to go home at the end of the night....it doesn't mean I arrive there 45 minutes later after sitting in traffic.

6. Justin has a much better shot at coaching. Lets face it. It is hard to recruit to SWK, so they are a little more flexible. Although he has been very hesitant to show any signs of interest in moving to SWK, he does perk up when thinking about the possibility of coaching at a small school like Spearville.

7. Experience. Both Justin and I would have the opportunity to make ourselves more marketable when we plan to move to a bigger location in the future. Right now we are both so green that it is proving to be an incredible disadvantage.

8. We could have another baby. Sooner, rather than later. This makes me REALLY excited.

Cons:

1. It is not what either of us had ever planned for. I think this is the hardest one to overcome, especially for Justin. We have both always been of the mindset that we would like to see what other parts of the world have to offer and to not confine ourselves to what we have always known. Growth always seems to come when you step away from what is comfortable. We question whether this would be possible if we go back to a place where we could get anywhere in town with our eyes closed.

2. Bigger cities = bigger opportunities. The things we have been able to see and do the last 3 years have been incredible. They are things that would not be possible in a rural area. If we are bored on a Saturday, we head into the city for a festival. Rileigh has seen Broadway plays. We have gone to professional sporting events and concerts without making a weekend trip out of it.

3. failure. Not that moving to Dodge City = failure. Some of the most successful and happy people I know live there. More that we have failed in our attempts to reach our goals, so we have to go to our fallback.

4. Putting goals on hold. This is more so for Justin. He was really looking forward to going back to school. It would be impossible to do so given the lack of universities in the SWK.

5. Family--we were really looking forward to living close to my brother and sister-in-law and cousins that live there.

I am sure Justin's list of cons is much longer than what I have listed, but his lists of pros are just as long. This is literally verbal vomit of all consuming thoughts that have been circling my head the past few days.

So, Mr. Frost-- here I am at the crossroads you speak of. Which one will make all the difference?

Anyone want to weigh in?

Lets talk about sects, baby

Religion has been at the very core of the world's most brutal and deep-seeded disputes. So it seems only fitting for it to also be a constant internal battle in my life.

I was raised a Catholic, if you can call it that. We were holiday church-goers, but my dad always went (and still does)....and I did occasionally take CCD classes, but mostly for the social aspect. In my younger years, I always fought to bring books or toys to church to occupy myself and my dad always adamantly refused to allow me to do so, leaving me no choice but to fake like I fell asleep so I didn't have to partake in the kneeling. Somewhere in my late teens, I became disenfranchised with Catholicism. Things hit a peak when the whole "no birth control, natural family planning" aspect took a prominent role. Slowly but surely, we are working through our beef, but I think we will both agree that we will never see eye to eye. I respect the tradition it entails (and can still participate in a service...and sing the songs....from memory), however, that tradition holds some of the things that bother me most....like sexism and elitism. It seems strangely poetic that my husband is currently being bombarded by literature and invitations from his Catholic friends....and he is really interested and excited about it.

I started attending the Nazarene Church in Dodge City when Rileigh started attending daycare there as a 2-year-old. Walking in to the service for the first time was as close to what I would call a spiritual moment as I have ever had in my life. I spent the first 30 minutes of the service with tears streaming down my cheeks, but I was really not sure why. The singing moved me to my core and it felt as though the pastor was speaking directly to me.

Even then, the internal battle of logic and faith raged inside. Any active involvement I took in a religious context seemed completely artificial to me. Once, Justin and I decided to attend a bible reading class through this church. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me. It was almost a feeling of "oh no, when are they going to find out I am a complete poser....and am not actually sure what I believe in." I quit going before they ever found out.

Since leaving Dodge, I have only dabbled in religion. I have yet to experience what I felt the very first day I walked through the doors of the Nazarene Church, and frankly, haven't felt it again even when I go back to that church. I have thought about it, pretended to encompass it, forced it, just about everything....but was completely numb to it. I suppose I would compare knowing Jesus to having an orgasm. If you've had one, you know. If you haven't, you act like you have and fake it until you do. I am a total faker. I can't even say 'God bless you' when someone sneezes because it feels so foreign to me. You know when you write in cards for people who have recently lost a loved one....common thing to write "You are in my prayers." Not this gal. I can't even write it. Its not that I haven't tried praying. I have tried it in all different forms. A scripted meal time prayer, a freeform meal time prayer--once I became so determined that I was going to learn to pray that I made myself shut off my music on my commute home from work and silently attempt to pray the whole way home. My mind wandered aimlessly. That felt ridiculous. So I tried to pray out loud. Even more ridiculous, so I quit.

It is not that I am religious-less. Its just that I think faith is so inherently personal that when we try to place it inside the box of organized religion, it loses that. I have certain things that I believe and others that I just can't get down with. I had a woman I worked with once that was incredibly religious and she believed that all people were inherently rotten to the core. I can't get down with that. I can't get down with a wrath-filled God. I can't get down with "an eye for an eye." I can't get down with Adam and Eve. What I can get down with is the notion that there is good in everyone, even if you have to strain your eyes to see it. I believe in forgiveness and sacrifice. I believe in open-minded thinking and wholehearted exceptance of all persons. I believe in free will and faith. I have yet to be able to wrap that all up in a nice bow and call it a church. However I won't stop looking.

I suggested to Justin that we search for where we fit....and try a new church, a new religion every Sunday and allow ourselves to really expand and evaluate our belief system. Rileigh, who happened to overhear, said she would like to as well, as long as she didn't have to be Jewish because she didn't want her dad to have to wear one of those weird hats.

Making the Cut

I have hair ADD (....possibly just ADD in general as evidenced by the variety of my posts...) But definitely diagnosable when it comes to my hair. I think I have had every hairdo and hair color under the planet. In fact, many of them occurred during the span of one spring break in middle school.

I started kindergarten with long hair and big bangs. And by long, I mean long. I could have probably tucked it into my jeans had that been the cool thing to do at the time. By first grade, I had chopped it to my chin and tortured myself with a spiral perm. It definitely was the cool thing to do at the time. The rest of grade school brought a variety of hair lengths and an even greater variety of bang heights....gotta love the aquanet. If only I had a pictorial to go along with all of this.

In middle school I discovered hair color. Glorious, horrible dye-in-a-box. During that

fated spring break, I discovered about 5 different varieties of dye in a box. That was the week I discovered I could never be a red head.....so I married one instead.

Freshman year of high school was the first year since 1st grade that I really chopped my hair. Through out high school, I rocked various lengths of the Victoria Beckham bob. Although she was still a long-haired Spice Girl at that point, so arguably I knew it was cool even before she did.

Now, whenever I need a pick-me-up, I schedule a hair appointment. I love styling, washing, cutting, coloring.....the whole process! I am never afraid of a cut or color, because I figure that if it gets a little screwy, I can always have it fixed. That does not apply to bangs. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT test out a new hairdresser if you are thinking about getting bangs. I discovered this in fourth grade and spend the rest of my vacation wearing a hat.

Last week, I went drastic and I am loving it. I have not had my hair this short....well...ever. Pros: it takes less time to get ready, I get to use awesome smelling hair stuff and this weekend, someone called me edgy. Cons: I cannot rock a ponytail when I wanna roll out of bed and go and I have not figured out how to control my hair without washing it first and starting from scratch. All in all, I think I love it:

And just for fun (and since I can't do a pictorial from kindergarten on) lets take a peek at my hair over the last 2 years....in no particular order (because I can't figure out how to make these pictures go where I want on here):

August 2007: This was the blondest I had been a while. I love this color, think I might try for it next time.

January 2009: I needed a major change. The hubby had requested dark hair. I was really afraid to do this because I had gone brown before with baaaaaad results. I told Kalli to do whatever she would like to the cut and it turned out adorable:

October 2009: Has to be my favorite wedding hair. Uncurled, it was probably down a little past my shoulders. Wouldn't it be awesome to have naturally curly hair like this?:

September 2009: I tried to go the naturally curl route. Made for fantastic time and travel ease. Not so sure about it, but in weighing its ease, I could have worn it everyday:

June 2009: The long version of the dark hair. I grew to really love my hair dark. For one thing, thanks to Kalli, I could do it at home. Also, root growth was not very obvious. Those two things made it really easy to maintain:

Question of the week: What is your favorite hairdo you ever had?

pumpkin-tastic!

I am not so sure how stay at home moms do it. When I work full time I always dream of what it would be like be home with my kiddos everyday. Then when I do that, I am so deliriously tired at the end of the day that I know I could never do it. I love my children. But parenting is really a team effort.

I am on fall break right now, so I had Thursday and Friday off school. Addison and I hung out on Thursday. Lemme tell you. The terrible twos are starting to come in full force. You know when you are standing in line at the supermarket and the person behind you has the screaming, incredibly poorly behaved children screeching into your ear and you could like to turn around and scare the living daylights outta the kid just to get them to be quiet. Yep, I had one of those kids. We stayed in the rest of the day.

Friday Rileigh had a half day. I was determined to have a plan for the day. Without one, Rileigh would attempt to watch countless hours of television. Not ideal. My plan was to get into the fall spirit and plaster our afternoon with pumpkin. She had been asking about making pumpkin pie, so when she got home from school I had everything out and ready to make pumpkin pie and pumpkin muffins. She loves to cook and our muffins turned out great. We topped some with a cinnamon/sugar/butter glaze and the others with a (to-die-for) cream cheese frosting.

I think it was due in part to the awesome kitchen aid mixer I got as a wedding present all those years ago. I absolutely adore it. However, I am a horrible baker, so sadly it is very underused...but NEVER underappreciated.

Not sure about the pumpkin pie. I can't stand pumpkin pie. Justin loves it however, and rated Rileigh's as out of this world.....We just followed the recipe on the back of the pumpkin can. Do not tell my mother I used canned pumpkin. She would probably disown me....though I am sure I would have made her proud with the homemade whipped cream I made to go on top!

For those interested, recipe for the muffins below:

• 1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree
• 4 eggs
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 2/3 cup water
• 3 cups white sugar
• 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a jumbo muffin pan.
  2. In a large bowl, mix together pumpkin puree, eggs, oil, water and sugar until well blended. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves and ginger. Stir the dry ingredients into the pumpkin mixture until just blended. Pour into the prepared pans.
  3. Bake for about 50 minutes in the preheated oven. Loaves are done when toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
  Cream Cheese Frosting:
  Cream together 1/4 cup butter, softened, 4 ounces cream cheese, softened, 2 cups confectioners' sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

5 things I love, but I shouldn't

Hey, if you are reading this, thanks for not giving up on me. I was having a bit of writer's block. The first paragraph of any writing is always the worst to spin out. I have had plenty of ideas to share, but haven't seemed to be able to get over the 1st paragraph hurtle. However, I just had too much fun reading "5 things"on Meet the Gibsons and Organized Chaos to not participate as well.

1. Celebrity Gossip. I consistently place in "superstar section" the on People.com's celebrity new quiz. I read pinkisthenewblog.com daily. If its lacking on info (and only IF) then I also scan perezhilton.com. He is entirely too dirty and I have to maintain some class as I am creeping on all the celebrities.

2. Q-tips. Yep, I love them. It even says on the back of the box that I shouldn't. Yet nearly 4 times each day, I q-tip my ears.

3. Reality Television. I don't watch Survivor or the Amazing Race or any of those main stream reality shows...you know, the kind that win emmys. If it belongs on Bravo or Oxygen or MTV (although I am growing out of that one) you can almost bet that I watch it. My current reality followings: Project Runway, Top Chef, Biggest Loser, America's Next Top Model, So you think you can dance. Yep, its a busy fall. Worst reality show I admit to following: Bad Girls Club.

4. Diet Dr. Pepper. My husband calls it my crack. There is rarely a day when I don't start of the morning with an ice cold can. If I don't, its only because I ran out after drinking 1/2 a 12-pack the night before. You think I am exaggerating, but I am not. I embrace my addiction....and I take comfort in knowing that if there is a serious health risk associated with diet soda, it will happen to my brother first and I will have a heads up to get off the sauce.

5. Seeing people fall down. I laugh. Everytime. Even at my kids. (Well, unless its an old person....I do have a heart!)