Lets talk about sects, baby

Religion has been at the very core of the world's most brutal and deep-seeded disputes. So it seems only fitting for it to also be a constant internal battle in my life.

I was raised a Catholic, if you can call it that. We were holiday church-goers, but my dad always went (and still does)....and I did occasionally take CCD classes, but mostly for the social aspect. In my younger years, I always fought to bring books or toys to church to occupy myself and my dad always adamantly refused to allow me to do so, leaving me no choice but to fake like I fell asleep so I didn't have to partake in the kneeling. Somewhere in my late teens, I became disenfranchised with Catholicism. Things hit a peak when the whole "no birth control, natural family planning" aspect took a prominent role. Slowly but surely, we are working through our beef, but I think we will both agree that we will never see eye to eye. I respect the tradition it entails (and can still participate in a service...and sing the songs....from memory), however, that tradition holds some of the things that bother me most....like sexism and elitism. It seems strangely poetic that my husband is currently being bombarded by literature and invitations from his Catholic friends....and he is really interested and excited about it.

I started attending the Nazarene Church in Dodge City when Rileigh started attending daycare there as a 2-year-old. Walking in to the service for the first time was as close to what I would call a spiritual moment as I have ever had in my life. I spent the first 30 minutes of the service with tears streaming down my cheeks, but I was really not sure why. The singing moved me to my core and it felt as though the pastor was speaking directly to me.

Even then, the internal battle of logic and faith raged inside. Any active involvement I took in a religious context seemed completely artificial to me. Once, Justin and I decided to attend a bible reading class through this church. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me. It was almost a feeling of "oh no, when are they going to find out I am a complete poser....and am not actually sure what I believe in." I quit going before they ever found out.

Since leaving Dodge, I have only dabbled in religion. I have yet to experience what I felt the very first day I walked through the doors of the Nazarene Church, and frankly, haven't felt it again even when I go back to that church. I have thought about it, pretended to encompass it, forced it, just about everything....but was completely numb to it. I suppose I would compare knowing Jesus to having an orgasm. If you've had one, you know. If you haven't, you act like you have and fake it until you do. I am a total faker. I can't even say 'God bless you' when someone sneezes because it feels so foreign to me. You know when you write in cards for people who have recently lost a loved one....common thing to write "You are in my prayers." Not this gal. I can't even write it. Its not that I haven't tried praying. I have tried it in all different forms. A scripted meal time prayer, a freeform meal time prayer--once I became so determined that I was going to learn to pray that I made myself shut off my music on my commute home from work and silently attempt to pray the whole way home. My mind wandered aimlessly. That felt ridiculous. So I tried to pray out loud. Even more ridiculous, so I quit.

It is not that I am religious-less. Its just that I think faith is so inherently personal that when we try to place it inside the box of organized religion, it loses that. I have certain things that I believe and others that I just can't get down with. I had a woman I worked with once that was incredibly religious and she believed that all people were inherently rotten to the core. I can't get down with that. I can't get down with a wrath-filled God. I can't get down with "an eye for an eye." I can't get down with Adam and Eve. What I can get down with is the notion that there is good in everyone, even if you have to strain your eyes to see it. I believe in forgiveness and sacrifice. I believe in open-minded thinking and wholehearted exceptance of all persons. I believe in free will and faith. I have yet to be able to wrap that all up in a nice bow and call it a church. However I won't stop looking.

I suggested to Justin that we search for where we fit....and try a new church, a new religion every Sunday and allow ourselves to really expand and evaluate our belief system. Rileigh, who happened to overhear, said she would like to as well, as long as she didn't have to be Jewish because she didn't want her dad to have to wear one of those weird hats.

Making the Cut

I have hair ADD (....possibly just ADD in general as evidenced by the variety of my posts...) But definitely diagnosable when it comes to my hair. I think I have had every hairdo and hair color under the planet. In fact, many of them occurred during the span of one spring break in middle school.

I started kindergarten with long hair and big bangs. And by long, I mean long. I could have probably tucked it into my jeans had that been the cool thing to do at the time. By first grade, I had chopped it to my chin and tortured myself with a spiral perm. It definitely was the cool thing to do at the time. The rest of grade school brought a variety of hair lengths and an even greater variety of bang heights....gotta love the aquanet. If only I had a pictorial to go along with all of this.

In middle school I discovered hair color. Glorious, horrible dye-in-a-box. During that

fated spring break, I discovered about 5 different varieties of dye in a box. That was the week I discovered I could never be a red head.....so I married one instead.

Freshman year of high school was the first year since 1st grade that I really chopped my hair. Through out high school, I rocked various lengths of the Victoria Beckham bob. Although she was still a long-haired Spice Girl at that point, so arguably I knew it was cool even before she did.

Now, whenever I need a pick-me-up, I schedule a hair appointment. I love styling, washing, cutting, coloring.....the whole process! I am never afraid of a cut or color, because I figure that if it gets a little screwy, I can always have it fixed. That does not apply to bangs. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT test out a new hairdresser if you are thinking about getting bangs. I discovered this in fourth grade and spend the rest of my vacation wearing a hat.

Last week, I went drastic and I am loving it. I have not had my hair this short....well...ever. Pros: it takes less time to get ready, I get to use awesome smelling hair stuff and this weekend, someone called me edgy. Cons: I cannot rock a ponytail when I wanna roll out of bed and go and I have not figured out how to control my hair without washing it first and starting from scratch. All in all, I think I love it:

And just for fun (and since I can't do a pictorial from kindergarten on) lets take a peek at my hair over the last 2 years....in no particular order (because I can't figure out how to make these pictures go where I want on here):

August 2007: This was the blondest I had been a while. I love this color, think I might try for it next time.

January 2009: I needed a major change. The hubby had requested dark hair. I was really afraid to do this because I had gone brown before with baaaaaad results. I told Kalli to do whatever she would like to the cut and it turned out adorable:

October 2009: Has to be my favorite wedding hair. Uncurled, it was probably down a little past my shoulders. Wouldn't it be awesome to have naturally curly hair like this?:

September 2009: I tried to go the naturally curl route. Made for fantastic time and travel ease. Not so sure about it, but in weighing its ease, I could have worn it everyday:

June 2009: The long version of the dark hair. I grew to really love my hair dark. For one thing, thanks to Kalli, I could do it at home. Also, root growth was not very obvious. Those two things made it really easy to maintain:

Question of the week: What is your favorite hairdo you ever had?

pumpkin-tastic!

I am not so sure how stay at home moms do it. When I work full time I always dream of what it would be like be home with my kiddos everyday. Then when I do that, I am so deliriously tired at the end of the day that I know I could never do it. I love my children. But parenting is really a team effort.

I am on fall break right now, so I had Thursday and Friday off school. Addison and I hung out on Thursday. Lemme tell you. The terrible twos are starting to come in full force. You know when you are standing in line at the supermarket and the person behind you has the screaming, incredibly poorly behaved children screeching into your ear and you could like to turn around and scare the living daylights outta the kid just to get them to be quiet. Yep, I had one of those kids. We stayed in the rest of the day.

Friday Rileigh had a half day. I was determined to have a plan for the day. Without one, Rileigh would attempt to watch countless hours of television. Not ideal. My plan was to get into the fall spirit and plaster our afternoon with pumpkin. She had been asking about making pumpkin pie, so when she got home from school I had everything out and ready to make pumpkin pie and pumpkin muffins. She loves to cook and our muffins turned out great. We topped some with a cinnamon/sugar/butter glaze and the others with a (to-die-for) cream cheese frosting.

I think it was due in part to the awesome kitchen aid mixer I got as a wedding present all those years ago. I absolutely adore it. However, I am a horrible baker, so sadly it is very underused...but NEVER underappreciated.

Not sure about the pumpkin pie. I can't stand pumpkin pie. Justin loves it however, and rated Rileigh's as out of this world.....We just followed the recipe on the back of the pumpkin can. Do not tell my mother I used canned pumpkin. She would probably disown me....though I am sure I would have made her proud with the homemade whipped cream I made to go on top!

For those interested, recipe for the muffins below:

• 1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree
• 4 eggs
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 2/3 cup water
• 3 cups white sugar
• 3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease a jumbo muffin pan.
  2. In a large bowl, mix together pumpkin puree, eggs, oil, water and sugar until well blended. In a separate bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves and ginger. Stir the dry ingredients into the pumpkin mixture until just blended. Pour into the prepared pans.
  3. Bake for about 50 minutes in the preheated oven. Loaves are done when toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.
  Cream Cheese Frosting:
  Cream together 1/4 cup butter, softened, 4 ounces cream cheese, softened, 2 cups confectioners' sugar, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

5 things I love, but I shouldn't

Hey, if you are reading this, thanks for not giving up on me. I was having a bit of writer's block. The first paragraph of any writing is always the worst to spin out. I have had plenty of ideas to share, but haven't seemed to be able to get over the 1st paragraph hurtle. However, I just had too much fun reading "5 things"on Meet the Gibsons and Organized Chaos to not participate as well.

1. Celebrity Gossip. I consistently place in "superstar section" the on People.com's celebrity new quiz. I read pinkisthenewblog.com daily. If its lacking on info (and only IF) then I also scan perezhilton.com. He is entirely too dirty and I have to maintain some class as I am creeping on all the celebrities.

2. Q-tips. Yep, I love them. It even says on the back of the box that I shouldn't. Yet nearly 4 times each day, I q-tip my ears.

3. Reality Television. I don't watch Survivor or the Amazing Race or any of those main stream reality shows...you know, the kind that win emmys. If it belongs on Bravo or Oxygen or MTV (although I am growing out of that one) you can almost bet that I watch it. My current reality followings: Project Runway, Top Chef, Biggest Loser, America's Next Top Model, So you think you can dance. Yep, its a busy fall. Worst reality show I admit to following: Bad Girls Club.

4. Diet Dr. Pepper. My husband calls it my crack. There is rarely a day when I don't start of the morning with an ice cold can. If I don't, its only because I ran out after drinking 1/2 a 12-pack the night before. You think I am exaggerating, but I am not. I embrace my addiction....and I take comfort in knowing that if there is a serious health risk associated with diet soda, it will happen to my brother first and I will have a heads up to get off the sauce.

5. Seeing people fall down. I laugh. Everytime. Even at my kids. (Well, unless its an old person....I do have a heart!)